(Originally Posted Apr 4, 2016)
At some point in your academic career, you probably learned to use and identify a prefix from a suffix. These are the little additives to the front and rear of a world that code additional meaning into them, often changing that word's meaning entirely. Add the prefix ir- to regular and you get its opposite, while a bicycle that becomes a unicycle isn't an opposite, but the prefix certainly makes a perfectly good pair of handlebars absolutely useless. Our suffixes often tell us when something was done - based on how something was tensed, - although it can tell us how -est something is too, although we wouldn't say uselessest (even if you can figure out what it means).
These little bits of information added to words (called affixes) have a great deal of meaning and we use them regularly. What you don't use regularly - at least I hope not - is the infix. Like the prefix "in" probably tells you, this is an affix added to the middle of the word. The reason you don't make regular use of the infix is because the English language doesn't technically have one. And you don't talk like a sailor - at least, seriously, I hope not.
There are thousands of languages in the world, and a bunch of them make regular use of the infix. We even use it in chemistry: hydrocarbons that have a fluorine bond are hydrofluorocarbons. The English language itself might not technically have an infix, but we do use one. It is used almost exclusively when we inject profanity into another word. I'm not going to tell you which curse word is usually used. Let's just say that you have probably heard it on albums marked explicit and films that use it more than once are generally rated R.
Instead, I'm going to use the word "toot." It is adorable, it kind of sounds like potty humor, and at the very least it is a great name for an inspirational cartoon train (choochy is also a good name).
To start with, the infix can only be used in multi-syllable words. You can't really add something to the middle of a word without dividing a word in two, but where do you make such a division if there is only one piece (one syllable) to work with? For this reason, you generally wouldn't say "I'm going to do some ma-tootin-th," but you can absolutely say, "I'm going to do some matha-tootin-matics."
What is especially interesting about the English infix is that linguists (people who study and obsess about how language works) don't really have a strong understanding of where an infix should be placed within a word, other than between syllables. There are rules, but we don't really know them; we just have a feeling for where to use them.
For example, in the example above we put our toot after the second syllable, nearly in the middle of the word. The same thing would happen if we said, "We are abso-tootin-lutely going to eat a cheesy corndog for breakfast." But if we wanted to express how delicious that breakfast was, we would have to describe it as "in-tootin-credible," which places the toot after the first syllable, in the very beginning of the word.
Look at the words we have infixxed so far, and try moving the toot around. Ab-tootin-solutely? Sounds weird. Incredi-tootin-bly? Nope. Math-tootin-amatics? Gross.
The good news here is that I can't give you a rule that will teach you how to be a more effective swearer. The bad news is that because the rules regulating how we use the infix are really just "gut" feelings, you probably know how to do this as an English speaker. This brings up one other point: if English is your second language, this might actually be much harder for you.
Of course, the only way to get better at something is to practice, but a word of warning, cursing isn't the kind of thing that you need to get better at. It is inevitable - for most kids, anyway - that you will end up swearing, at least a little bit. It is also inevitable that you will get caught doing this. The first time I got seriously busted swearing is when I yelled out an expletive - the one that rhymes with pit - in front of my mom in elementary school while trying to do a super cool trick with a Frisbee. The second time was when I was stupidly singing songs from the South Park movie at home, arguably too loud (my dad caught me).
There is an important lesson here: the language you use depends on the situation you are in. We speak differently in front of our grandparents than in front of our friends. Our discussions with our ministers are substantively different than those we have with strangers while playing Call of Duty. The same goes for school, and at home. You should use language that acknowledges the level of respect and formality the situation requires.
Lastly, I'd like to note that even if you choose the right places to use what we'll call "inventive" language, over using that language might have an effect opposite to what you want. Young people have a tendency to explore the vulgar side of language as they mature, thinking this is a part of maturity. I know I did. What you don't realize at the time is that a kid that swears a lot is doing nothing more than showing how childish they are because it is obvious that they so badly want to be adult they don't know how to do it without making a joke of themselves.
So consider carefully where you use your toots, and with whom you share them. At the very least, you should abso-tootin-lutely remember that when you use your toots in the middle of a word, it's called an infix. And it's weird.